Omama - Opinionated Moms

Thanks for the input. However, getting my husband to reach out--is like pulling teeth---his family is very different they all live within a radius of 5 miles of each other--and the only time they connect is at the holidays--or his brother needs help with something. He indicated that he is going to try and get in touch w/him

Hi Cookie. There is a lot of pain involved in divorce, regardless of who's at fault. My personal belief is that it is up to the parents to break through to the kids...no matter how old they are. The kids don't ask for any of it, but they end up in the middle and lash out. They get angry and bitter and drive their parents away because it's a defense mechanism (I know, I've been there). But, down deep inside they still want their parents to reach out to them. They might keep pushing them away, but eventually with persistence your husband will break down the barriers. Even if he doesn't easily admit it, he does want a relationship with his Dad. Good luck!

That's how MOST MEN ARE...that's why our role is so important in keeping families together. Or, in your case, bringing families back together. With some unconditional support from you, your husband will reach out...and even though your step son probably doesn't know it, he's lucky to have you as a "uniter" not a "divider" (definitely didn't mean to channel George W.), but I'm sure you get the point! (-:

yogamom you have some great insights! invite some more steps in here to chat...sounds like you guys have it all figured out and could give some more great advice!

Welcome, momof2stepof1!

Hi Spunkymom - I wish there was more participation in this room, too.

Hi momof2stepof1 - Anything (problematic or inspirational) on the step front?

GREAT QUESTION, Debomama...primarily because you're question redefines what we should all be concerned about in the 1st place. If we can build a good foundation, we're giving the kids a fighting chance at being functional in both households. When there's innate competition, division & emphasis on differences, you get tension & stunted growth on all fronts. With that said, I think the best thing a mom could do to start the ball off right is to consider that the (prospective) stepmom is (attempting to) taking on some very challenging ground. Rule #1 for moms - treat step mom LIKE A HUMAN BEING. I can't tell you how many stepmoms I know who recount stories of the mom literally looking over them, through them, under them in an attempt to invalidate them. Stepmoms are nervous as hell to meet mom! (Just as I'm sure mom is as nervous to meet the stepmom.) We have to STOP LOOKING AT EACH OTHER AS "THE OTHER WOMAN"...that's not kid-centered, that's ego centered. This is also more easily said than done, but if you start with this premise, I believe the purpose/mission becomes closer to pure & the humanity between the 2 women has a fighting chance of surfacing. There are many other suggestions I have, but I believe that this is the crux of it all. And by the way, men/dads/ex-husbands/new husbands are completely deficient at facilitating any of this. They may be the most dynamic people in other facets of life, but they have an uncanny ability to assume that things will magically fall into place with little intervention on their part. Maybe, they can't really do much to help. SO, DON'T COUNT ON THEM. Men, we love you, but you have not been the most successful at providing support on the onset of these mom/stepmom relationships. SO, IT'S UP TO US, WOMEN...MAMAS.

Yoga...great advice! I'm potentially negotiating very new ground here. I only have two friends who are divorced and no friends who are step moms. Can you believe it? So you OMAMAs are it for me. Your advice is very common sense based and logical, which works for me...if you've been around the site at all, you'd know that! So far I just have a girlfriend situation, but it seems serious and she seems to be a really nice gal. The kids are doing very well with it all--they are still hoping for reconcilliation, but that's normal and this is pretty new--but I keep assuring them that I'm happy about the situation and so is he...and that this new person in dad's life is a good thing. So, if we're okay, they're okay. (Which incidentally I've found to be a good way to help kids cope with all of this tough stuff) Dealing with her as the "other woman" in terms of my ex is not a problem at all, but as the "other woman" in my kids' lives is a real toughy. I never realized how strongly I would feel about that. Truly surprising. If you're a mom as well as a step, then you know what I'm talking about. I think the reason the men are not good at facilitating this stuff is simply that they are not moms. Really it's not a dig on them, they just aren't made like we are, right? So, as this stuff moves forward I'll keep your words in my mind and heart-and I'll be checking back for more pearls of widsom. If it becomes a step situation, then I hope the two of us women can find a way to work together. Thanks for the insight. You have no idea how much you've helped! Go O-MAMA!

Yes, I'm also a mom. I have a very complex family situation. A family tree would be necessary to illustrate all the players! All I can say is that the potential conflict of "the other woman" to your kids is really Don Quixote stuff...it only exists in your head. MOM IS MOM. MOM IS #1 - ALWAYS. There may be a blush of "honeymoon" w/the stepmom, let it happen. It will go back to stasis. It may feel & look like a threat, but in the long run, if stepmom is truly a good person, your trust in the process & security in your motherhood will serve you 10-fold that you're kids will come back to you. Just keep it truly pleasant & direct with ex's girlfriend. If she's serious about him, she wants to get along w/you.

I absolutely agree YOGAMOM. I feel like I am alone navigating a minefield all the time. Our kids need us to figure out how to be on the same team...to cut through all the crap, hurt feelings and confusion and do what is best for our kids. They learn through our example...so, come on Divorced Moms, let's figure this out. What can I be doing better for your kids? What I need...is for you to acknowledge that I have a role, too (thanks O-MAMAs, the video perfectly identified this problem)...so, I'm open, what do you want my role to be in the lives of your kids? I am struggling.

You guys are great in here. I'm not a step mom but as a divorced mom...it could happen and my kids might have one at some point. So what's the word on being a good step parent? What if you're not and "she" is? What's the protocol on being the cool ex wife who wants the kids to be okay, and wants to have a good rapport with the step as well? We don't want to be wicked and step moms don't want to be wicked either. No one wants to be wicked, right? We don't have to go Disney in real life. Ready to learn before it actually happens...like a good ex Girl Scout...be prepared!

Hi Stepmama - Not much to say except I'm wishing all of us a great new year full of learning experiences that will add to our wisdom in parenting!

You too YOGAMAMA! I am so excited that I got notified when you replied on this site. It's a great site, but I think it's just the two of us in the step moms room! But, now that I know when people are chatting, it will be even more fun. Hopefully, more women will join in the conversation. I, personally, need all the help I can get! Thanks for all your support. It means a lot to know there are women out there supporting each other. It makes me feel like I am not alone. Happy New Year!

Just keep staying in touch. Two things are for sure, there's never a dull moment and we are certainly not alone. Even if we're the only ones in this chat room along with Debomama right now, that's okay. This is an emerging topic & even if no one else is blogging, I believe others are reading & learning.

You are right. Not blogging, just absorbing! (-: