O-mama - Opinionated Moms

Hey, Ria...hugs to you. I'm not an expert, but I think that "honesty is the best policy". If he is not out of the closet, then no way will he tell his kids. If he is out and not telling them...all you can do is just tell them you're sure he loves them, and maybe to be patient..he will tell them when he's ready. Hope this helps...I hope someone who has more first hand experience with the situation will come to the rescue in this room! Hang in there!

Your right and thank you so much for your reply!

Sometimes the TRUTH hurts. So, even though your kids might think they already know, brace yourself, it still might sting a little. If they are confronted with the reality, definitely make sure they realize that your ex is conflicted and clearly in pain. He is hurting. He might think the truth will hurt the people he loves, but it's the lies that hurt so much more. Honesty is the best policy...your kids will love him, but they will not respect him until he earns it by being honest with them. Have you tried talking to him directly and telling him to be honest with the kids...for their sake?

momof3 thanks your for understanding and concern. My ex is not even "come out of the closet" to himself. With that said there is no way I can approach him about being truthful to our children. Truth starts within. The homosexual relationships he has/had during and after our marriage are/were never lasting. He was with a man before we met for I think 2-3years. That fact I did not find out until our son was about 3 years of age and he said it was just a crazy time in his life and that he was searching for any type of love. I just said "ok". I could understand that part of his past SO WE but over the 17 years his " past" became more and more my PRESENT.

opps..its late and I am typing in the dark and hit a wrong key. Let me continue ...So we proceed to make it work, so thought. The problem was that his PAST became my PRESENT and I could not handle it anymore. Now more that ever my heart breaks for my kids because they now dealing with their father's denial. I feel like graping my ex and screaming...BEING GAY DOES'T MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON/FATHER. Lying to our children and not being happy with your life is a lot more harmful to them in the long run! Truth or a lie, which is the most painful? Truth might sometimes stings for a while but lying slowly corrodes a hole that never heals. I just tell my kids that your father is doing the best he can and loves them very much. The kids are even not wanting to talk about the subject anymore but at the same time they wondering why their farther is so miserable. They just want Truth. Ok, off to bed goodnight and thanks for the ear....hugs

Hi Ria1234, I asked one of my gay friends who came out while he was married about your dilemna and this is what he said, "You cannot force someone to come out of the closet and pressuring him could make him pull back even further. I didn't finally come out until I realized I actually had emotions for another man, up until then it was just sex. Telling the kids then was more difficult for me than them." Your husband is obviously grappling with who HE is and until he comes to grips with that he cannot have an open, honest conversation with you or your kids. My grandmother once told me that kids have to realize their parents are people and they struggle with insecurities, regret, and sometimes they just can't/won't share these things with their kids. Your kids are going to have to show their father unconditional love until he is ready to look at the man in the mirror.

cocoljackson thanks for response and your comment about the love you felt for another man is so spot on. It is still just sex to him as far as I know. I pray that he finds someone that he can love and care about because then and you right, only then, will he be able to express the truth to himself and my kids. Your Grandmother sounds like mine! Full of wisdom and they are willing to share it to a willing ear! Hugs! As far as the love my kids have for him, I have to say that they do love him unconstitutionally but they do not "like" the fact of being lied to. I think that is a pretty typical and reasonable response. My daughter is better at understanding it than my son. His whole definition of being a "Man" as changed in his eyes. He is only 17 and just scared. He dose love and care for his dad but can't face who his dad is right now. I don't blame him. I held a hate for my ex for along time about it. He is just going to need some more time to process it all and he will be able to do that when his father is truthful with him and to himself. Again, thanks for your insight and for taking the time to care!!! Best of luck and multipliable hugs!!!!!!

Ria1234. You are very welcome and I wish you, your kids, and your husband are able to find peace in this situation. I also wanted to note that I am not the person I was referring to in my initial comment, it is one of my gay friends who used to be married, then decided to come out when he fell in love with another man.