O-mama - Opinionated Moms

i think you make a good point about parenting your own...as long as everyone parents their own and does not try and replace the birth parents and the exes get along...the kids will ultimately be the winners in the situation

@krdixon - Wow! That is parenting/stepparenting to the max! I agree that in a perfect world, we should stick to parenting our own. However, when little stepchildren who live under the same roof as you are involved, stepparent intervention is inevitable. Under those circumstances, it would be negligence to "wait til your parent gets home" if you are the stepparent w/a stepchild. And even as the stepchild gets older, there are still situations where "parenting" takes place. It's almost like a roommate situation except the stepparent is teaching the stepchild how to conduct themselves in a way that would be most amicable to a roommate while the stepchild is the (often begrudging) student. Sometimes it takes the stepparent's more objective eye to see when a the child needs to be called on something.

I agree with you totally about little stepchildren living in your home, and I have been in that role so I know what you mean. My current situation is with older teenagers and and my stepchildren do not live with us. My son's father lives a mile away and though I have full custody, he is very involved with him. My husband has a very busy career and does not see my son very often, so their relationship is much better without a "discipline" factor...if you know what I mean.

And she is lucky to have you...at the same time, she probably struggles with her relationship with her bio mama and siblings that don't live with you. My feeling is that all kids just want love and acceptance. True love and acceptance from their parents/step parents, as long as they have that and know they are part of a family, they will be o.k.

The most challenging thing for a step-parent is to nurture when you're simultaneously being rejected. Who wants that?...especially when you're immediate instinct might be, "Like I need this...from someone who's not even my flesh & blood?!". However, be reassured that this push/pull dynamic definitely exists between lots of step-relationships. You're not alone in feeling if you feel that you're the only one paying attention & really providing parenting. Strangely, the bio-parents may be actually doing some parenting, but you don't see it because your stepchild may appear to be lacking in many boundaries & structure. That may not be the parenting or step-parenting or lack of parenting or step-parenting. It may just be the result of the inconsistent life that a child of a divorce leads with 2 homes, divergent personalities, opinions & follow through. When I haven't liked my stepchild for disrespectful behavior to me, I take a lot of deep breaths, get a lot of reassurance from friends & remind myself that I need to keep it together if no other reason than I want to act in a way that I would be proud of when I look back at myself in future years. I may not be perfect, but I'm coming from a place of good intentions And that's all I can ask of myself. Your husband may not say it enough, but he knows you're the glue that keeps the home together & keeps hime grounded.

Amazing advice from someone who has lived it. WOW - Thanks!

WOW..is right...You have put into words how I feel. Being a step-parent it very difficult. There are days when I'm at a loss of what to do. My stepchild has a hard time with communciation, so that is something we are working on in counseling. I'm just hoping to oneday get to a place were we have some type of harmony. Were every conversation doesn't feel like a chore.

@djanet2 - I know the feeling when you wrote about conversation feeling like a chore. I feel that way, too. I feel better when I see my stepchild talk to her mom & realize that she speaks in a similar tone to her. Then, I'm reassured that it's age-related & not disrespect directed specifically at me. I think stepparenting is a big test to see how consistent you can be. I figure, if you can hang in there & negotiate step-relationships, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!!! Rock on, djanet2! You're in counseling w/your step-daughter & that just shows how much you care! It also looks from your discussion groups that you have your own kid(s). So, all this work can only make you a better parent to your own kid(s).

Fantastic insights!

I think you just type into the blog at the top...if you want to submit a topic at the VERY top, click the light bulb on the home page and that will send them an email...i've sent them one before.

No, but that is a true testament to YOU and the work you put into those relationships. Great job MAMA. What are your tips? I often find it is such a dicey thing and I have no support from my step children's mom or my husband for that matter. He really wants nothing to do with it. Any advice on getting him to tune in? I feel alone in my efforts. Kids don't want. Mom doesn't want it. Husband won't deal with it. Calgon, take me away!!!

That is so cool that you maintain your relationship with your stepkids!

I agree with Yoga..she's got lots of great advice to offer by the way! It truly is wonderful that he feels that bond with you even after the fact. My friend has been married 3 times and all of the exes, and kids are super close with eachother and the dad. Just goes to show that it can be done! I have to say that, in their situation, everyone was very 'adult' with eachother and all of the kids are happy and well adjusted as a result. Embrace the fact that you are close with your stepson...he needs you and you need him!

stacey1017 that is awesome that you still have a relationship with your stepchildren. Think that will make a world of difference in their life. I think children have it hard enough, and just knowing that the words "no matter what" really applies is awesome. Stepmama as far as getting your husband on board with your efforts, it is going to take time and patients. When my husband and I first started out and we had so much drama with my stepdaughter's mom, it was hard. I think the first step(no pun intended...lol) for you is to have a sit down with your husband and express to him how much the disconnect and disrespect for your situation makes you feel and let him know that you understand that he may not want to address whatever the issue may be but in order for there to be peace in your house hold it has to be done. Once you get him to understand your pain/concerns, then he needs to have a heart to heart with the children re-affirming your role in their life and that you are not there to be this unwanted burden but you are there to provide love and support and not going to replace their mother and/or the relationship they have with their mother. That is important because I have learned with my stepdaughter that kids want to please and if they feel that liking you is hurting their mom they will try to please mom and you are out in the cold but if their dad lets them know it is ok and makes them comfortable with you and your role things will get better (not at first but over time). Now the mom is another animal altogether, you cannot force her to like you because chances are she probably won't but that is not your issue to deal with, you just be the best you, you can be. I will say your husband is your best advocate though, if she gets out of line or says something bad about you in his presents it is for him to correct it right away. Not to say that he wouldn't but often times men avoid the ex at all cost so he may not think or want to get into that kind of fight with her. Mostly because he knows you aren't whatever she said and that's all that matters, but what men fail to realize is that if that goes uncorrected the exes feel they have the upper hand and don't need to respect you.....But Be Blessed and know there is a light at the end of this tunnel I promise. :)

I just wish I could give you all a hug right now. I am SO HAPPY to have found you mamas to chat with...oh, I see the light already! We don't have my step kids this weekend, so I'll try to have a little chat with my hubby about sticking up for me and being my advocate. You are right, he AVOIDS his ex and I have to deal with all the fall out. He needs to man-up a bit. Stay tuned!

Hey YOGA...thought id let you know..because you are the O-MAMA step guru...that my ex is getting remarried and it's okay! She is a very nice woman who is GREAT to my kids, and my kids are okay with the whole thing so far. She and I have established communication about kid stuff and it seems pretty easy so far. My kid even said that he thought step moms were supposed to be mean, but is glad she's not. Cool!

Hi spunkymom - just found your post from 7/10, so I'm just now responding. That is so nice that everyone's started off on the right foot. What a gift for your kids! I bet your ex's fiance (or maybe wife at this point) really appreciates the opportunity to have a dialogue w/you. And hopefully, this marriage is a comfort for you that you know & like the woman who will be helping out at the other house with your kids. Glad you weighed in at the stepmom room...not too many comments in here...gets kind of lonely. Thanks for giving many stepmoms hope that a good relationship w/the mom is possible!

Welcome! Let me know how you aviod the ups and downs...what pitfalls did you encounter in your relations with "mom"? As newly divorced mom, I can empathize with mom worrying about the replacement factor- but like someone in here once said...it's all in mom's mind. We are MOM after all. I'm just trying to put myself in step shoes...and correct me if im wacko, but I think that mostly steps just want the kids to like them and be happy and respect them as an adult in their lives. I think all steps must realize that there is no way to become more "popular" than mom and moms need to realize that too- then they wouldn't be so scared. Also, I find that sometimes I just get annoyed at my ex for making what i think are decisions not in our kids' best interests (after all, there was a reason we divorced) but that it's totally separate from my feelings about his girlfriend. She's nice to my kids and they really like her...which I'm sooooo grateful for! Its really such a strange thing, though, having to sort of deal with a woman that you didn't chose as an acquaintance or friend, in such an intimate way because of the kids. This is all new to me...but I just try and think of her as my kids' camp counselor or teacher. Kids can never have too many people around them who care about them, right? Also, I will probably end up a step as well...so I try and imagine what the "mom" is feeling too--nothing like a little empanthy!

FANTASTIC. That is encouraging. I am not there yet, but I aspire to be!

Welcome, 30+stepmom! That is so great to read that you're in a good place with your relationship with your stepdaughter as well as with her mom. In my experience, things seem to run much more smoothly when there's cooperation between all the adults.

Slow and steady wins the race! If you are in it for the long haul, then be patient...let your relationship evolve naturally. It sounds like you're off to a great start! So happy to have other stepMAMAs to chat with...

You are correct Debomama! Stepmom's are not trying to take anyone's place and I think as women that is sometimes the story we tell ourselves when we find our children are liking another mother figure. I think for me, I just reminded prayerful about our situation and killed my stepdaughter's mom with kindness. And over time and just her seeing how I treated her daughter like she were my own made her realize I was not the wicked step mother trying to take over. And I also think having a supportive husband helps a lot, I think if my husband had not re-affirmed my role in his daughter's life with her mom she would to this day still disregard my importance in her daughter's life and upbringing. I am a firm believer in the theory "it takes a village to raise a child". It is nice meeting all of you and like Stepmama said it is nice to have other stepMAMAs to chat with.......Be Blessed Always.

Stepmama, you will be in a place of peace between you and the "mom" one day. Now it may not be where you both are the best of friends but as long as you are both in a place where the child(ren) are the main focus and their well-being can be discussed without letting your own dislike for one another gets in the way, then I am ok with that. I think as long as you respect me and the love I have for your child you really don't have to like me..... Be Blessed and let me know if I can help in anyway :)

Welcome! So glad to have you in here! You steps are great and so nice to give other moms your insight. Sounds like you have it wired. Any advice on how to effectively communicate with your husband about his kids?

Welcome! Can't wait to read more from you. This is a great place to get encouragement!

It is refreshing to see a smart, beautiful woman use her talents, as a step mom and an actor, to touch people in a positive way. I am tired of the "bad girls" getting all the hype...I'm so proud that she really gets it and seems to understand what is important in this world giving LOVE and getting LOVE...she recognized her family and the importance of all families....for that Sandy, we LOVE YOU!

Hi Cookie. There is a lot of pain involved in divorce, regardless of who's at fault. My personal belief is that it is up to the parents to break through to the kids...no matter how old they are. The kids don't ask for any of it, but they end up in the middle and lash out. They get angry and bitter and drive their parents away because it's a defense mechanism (I know, I've been there). But, down deep inside they still want their parents to reach out to them. They might keep pushing them away, but eventually with persistence your husband will break down the barriers. Even if he doesn't easily admit it, he does want a relationship with his Dad. Good luck!

Thanks for the input. However, getting my husband to reach out--is like pulling teeth---his family is very different they all live within a radius of 5 miles of each other--and the only time they connect is at the holidays--or his brother needs help with something. He indicated that he is going to try and get in touch w/him

That's how MOST MEN ARE...that's why our role is so important in keeping families together. Or, in your case, bringing families back together. With some unconditional support from you, your husband will reach out...and even though your step son probably doesn't know it, he's lucky to have you as a "uniter" not a "divider" (definitely didn't mean to channel George W.), but I'm sure you get the point! (-:

I think at this point, I as a step mom would just leave this one alone and just support your husband. The stepson is grown and sounds like they had some very personal issues (father/son) way before you guys were together. I would just support your husband with his feelings and maybe offer your advice, suggestions and wisdom...and of course...LOVE. As I am sure your heart is in the right place...I just don't feel this is your problem to fix and if not handled properly could have some long lasting affects on yours and stepsons and your and husbands relationship. Is it worth it??? I don't know... I think the reconnecting needs to happen between father/son...who initiates it? I don't know... Maybe you can offer some guidance with this. I am a step mom to a 13 yr old girl and a 8 yr old boy. I have found it VERY hard to connect with the boy....and he is just 8 and I am around him all the time. I am sure it would be much more difficult if he was an adult and me not knowing him very well and living across the country. I know you just want everyone to unite, be accepting of one another and be one happy family. Good luck...and hope this relationship works out well for you. Step parenting I think can be more challenging at times than parenting your own children. :)

Welcome, momof2stepof1!

Hi momof2stepof1 - Anything (problematic or inspirational) on the step front?

yogamom you have some great insights! invite some more steps in here to chat...sounds like you guys have it all figured out and could give some more great advice!

Hi Spunkymom - I wish there was more participation in this room, too.

Hey Yoga...So the O-MAMAs are hitting Oprah Radio with Dr. Laura Berman...because of you and the gals in these rooms! Call in and join our conversation...you are level headed and full of great things to say! xo

Yoga..tune in for Michelle and I on Dr. Laura Berman (OPRAH) radio tomorrow 4/27 at 4pm CST. You're so smart and great..we'd love to chat with you live! Let your Opinions be known over the airways! XM 156 or Sirius 195. Call in to 1-866-OPRAH-XM.

I absolutely agree YOGAMOM. I feel like I am alone navigating a minefield all the time. Our kids need us to figure out how to be on the same team...to cut through all the crap, hurt feelings and confusion and do what is best for our kids. They learn through our example...so, come on Divorced Moms, let's figure this out. What can I be doing better for your kids? What I need...is for you to acknowledge that I have a role, too (thanks O-MAMAs, the video perfectly identified this problem)...so, I'm open, what do you want my role to be in the lives of your kids? I am struggling.

You guys are great in here. I'm not a step mom but as a divorced mom...it could happen and my kids might have one at some point. So what's the word on being a good step parent? What if you're not and "she" is? What's the protocol on being the cool ex wife who wants the kids to be okay, and wants to have a good rapport with the step as well? We don't want to be wicked and step moms don't want to be wicked either. No one wants to be wicked, right? We don't have to go Disney in real life. Ready to learn before it actually happens...like a good ex Girl Scout...be prepared!

GREAT QUESTION, Debomama...primarily because you're question redefines what we should all be concerned about in the 1st place. If we can build a good foundation, we're giving the kids a fighting chance at being functional in both households. When there's innate competition, division & emphasis on differences, you get tension & stunted growth on all fronts. With that said, I think the best thing a mom could do to start the ball off right is to consider that the (prospective) stepmom is (attempting to) taking on some very challenging ground. Rule #1 for moms - treat step mom LIKE A HUMAN BEING. I can't tell you how many stepmoms I know who recount stories of the mom literally looking over them, through them, under them in an attempt to invalidate them. Stepmoms are nervous as hell to meet mom! (Just as I'm sure mom is as nervous to meet the stepmom.) We have to STOP LOOKING AT EACH OTHER AS "THE OTHER WOMAN"...that's not kid-centered, that's ego centered. This is also more easily said than done, but if you start with this premise, I believe the purpose/mission becomes closer to pure & the humanity between the 2 women has a fighting chance of surfacing. There are many other suggestions I have, but I believe that this is the crux of it all. And by the way, men/dads/ex-husbands/new husbands are completely deficient at facilitating any of this. They may be the most dynamic people in other facets of life, but they have an uncanny ability to assume that things will magically fall into place with little intervention on their part. Maybe, they can't really do much to help. SO, DON'T COUNT ON THEM. Men, we love you, but you have not been the most successful at providing support on the onset of these mom/stepmom relationships. SO, IT'S UP TO US, WOMEN...MAMAS.

Yoga...great advice! I'm potentially negotiating very new ground here. I only have two friends who are divorced and no friends who are step moms. Can you believe it? So you OMAMAs are it for me. Your advice is very common sense based and logical, which works for me...if you've been around the site at all, you'd know that! So far I just have a girlfriend situation, but it seems serious and she seems to be a really nice gal. The kids are doing very well with it all--they are still hoping for reconcilliation, but that's normal and this is pretty new--but I keep assuring them that I'm happy about the situation and so is he...and that this new person in dad's life is a good thing. So, if we're okay, they're okay. (Which incidentally I've found to be a good way to help kids cope with all of this tough stuff) Dealing with her as the "other woman" in terms of my ex is not a problem at all, but as the "other woman" in my kids' lives is a real toughy. I never realized how strongly I would feel about that. Truly surprising. If you're a mom as well as a step, then you know what I'm talking about. I think the reason the men are not good at facilitating this stuff is simply that they are not moms. Really it's not a dig on them, they just aren't made like we are, right? So, as this stuff moves forward I'll keep your words in my mind and heart-and I'll be checking back for more pearls of widsom. If it becomes a step situation, then I hope the two of us women can find a way to work together. Thanks for the insight. You have no idea how much you've helped! Go O-MAMA!

Yes, I'm also a mom. I have a very complex family situation. A family tree would be necessary to illustrate all the players! All I can say is that the potential conflict of "the other woman" to your kids is really Don Quixote stuff...it only exists in your head. MOM IS MOM. MOM IS #1 - ALWAYS. There may be a blush of "honeymoon" w/the stepmom, let it happen. It will go back to stasis. It may feel & look like a threat, but in the long run, if stepmom is truly a good person, your trust in the process & security in your motherhood will serve you 10-fold that you're kids will come back to you. Just keep it truly pleasant & direct with ex's girlfriend. If she's serious about him, she wants to get along w/you.

Hey Step- The OMAMAs are going on Oprah radio next Tuesday with Dr. Laura Berman.. because of the things you guys said in these rooms....particpate with us...we'd love you to share your great insights on the radio!

Hi Stepmama - Not much to say except I'm wishing all of us a great new year full of learning experiences that will add to our wisdom in parenting!

You too YOGAMAMA! I am so excited that I got notified when you replied on this site. It's a great site, but I think it's just the two of us in the step moms room! But, now that I know when people are chatting, it will be even more fun. Hopefully, more women will join in the conversation. I, personally, need all the help I can get! Thanks for all your support. It means a lot to know there are women out there supporting each other. It makes me feel like I am not alone. Happy New Year!

Just keep staying in touch. Two things are for sure, there's never a dull moment and we are certainly not alone. Even if we're the only ones in this chat room along with Debomama right now, that's okay. This is an emerging topic & even if no one else is blogging, I believe others are reading & learning.

You are right. Not blogging, just absorbing! (-: