O-mama - Opinionated Moms

• By Brady Udall • 10 Comments
• Tagged in: For Moms

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I’ve always been curious about other religions.  I’m a “lapsed Catholic” as they say—all the guilt, none of the commitment!  But other faiths intrigue me, especially those that seem—at least in practice—to be extreme in some way.  So whenever I come across a book that uses religion either as a backdrop or an important part of its narrative, I usually pick it up.  Brady Udall’s The Lonely Polygamist fit the bill, but what I found was a book that not only gives an insider’s perspective on living the Mormon Principle, but also a wonderful story full of complicated and real characters doing their best to just live, and love eachother and their children.

 Okay, so no, I’m not going to rush off to Utah and join a Plural Family, but I have to say that I have a completely different take on the polygamist way of life after reading this book.   For the most part, I had been looking at the marriage aspect of this lifestyle—the actual 1 husband + 4 or 5 wives part—and not looking at the whole thing—the family, the children, and the very real challenges that these people have voluntarily (for the most part) taken on.  And this story takes us into the heart and mind of this lonely and conflicted man—Golden Richards—who has become the head of a plural family and really is not quite up to the task.  His heart is in the right place, though, and as it turns out this is the only thing he truly needs.  Let’s back track a little bit:

 It would be something of an understatement for me to say that it took me a little while to “hit my stride” as it were when I had my first child.  In other words, I didn’t have the confidence to trust my as yet untapped mothering instincts.  In that fatigue-addled delirium of the first few months—among other strange and pervasive thoughts—I remember thinking that I suddenly understood and was envious of women in other countries who were naturally surrounded by extended family at times like these because it was customary and the norm to share life and food and chores etc.  We don’t do that in America.  Sure, your mom might come stay for a couple weeks with your first baby, but that would be the exception. I could have used an aunt or a grandma or a sister hanging around to tell me that yellow poop was okay.  I was full of questions and doubt, and to be perfectly honest, I could’ve used the company!  On top of everything else, it’s sort-of lonely at first when you’re used to working surrounded by people your own age and suddenly it’s just you and this beautiful, funny infant bundle that you love desperately but isn’t much for stimulating conversation.

 So, even though polygamy is something that the vast majority of us view as aberrant at best, you have to admit that at times it would be nice for there to be another woman in the house who could help with multiple children, chat with you over coffee, offer childrearing advice, share the cooking etc.  And I suppose it would only make sense then, that the more children there were, the more women you would need, and ostensibly—one dad, man, father, husband, head of  household—whatever you want to call him—is all that is necessary.  Kinda makes sense when you put it that way, doesn’t it?  Backed up against a wall, I would definitely want some girlfriends around more than I would want another husband.  

Now anyone that’s seen BIG LOVE knows that it’s not all tickle fights and coffee klatches with the ladies, but that makes for better television, and that “version” of polygamy is what outsiders find most intriguing—what men find most intriguing for sure—the idea that this one stud is servicing 3 or 4 good looking women who are basically fighting over him night and day.  But if you stop and think about it for a minute—really a man living this Plural Life is essentially totally responsible in every way for his wives and  his children.  That means that he could potentially be trying to meet the financial and emotional needs of 30 or more people on a daily basis.  Unless the guy is 17, the sexual juggling is likely a non-issue, and in Golden Richards case—the bumbling protagonist of Brady Udall’s book The Lonely Polygamist—the need for sleep overwhelms any nooky urges he may have.

 Udall not only follows Golden through this twisted tale, but the author allows us into Trish’s mind, the youngest wife as well as into Rusty’s, one of Golden’s 28 children.  As one would expect they both experience sadness and frustration vying for their father’s attentions and living with crowds of people not necessarily of their own choosing.    They have to work incredibly hard not only physically but also emotionally to live the Principle.  Not everyone can do it.  Men and women get thrown out of the church all the time because they are not able to give up virtually all of the temptations  of the outside world. On top of that, one must honestly believe in the “higher purpose” of that lifestyle to find some modicum of contentment living a Plural lifestyle with its attendant rules and expectations.  Though the “more than 1 wife package” sounds like a bonus, I would say that for the most part the dominant force for all these characters is sacrifice.  And I would venture to say that very few of us, let alone our children, truly understand the concept of sacrifice, not sacrificing to get something else, and not sacrificing to be the “martyr” in some twisted passive-aggressive way, but honest sacrifice that has no reward except, ostensibly, in heaven.

My sister has 6 kids.  She has NO time for herself, nor does she expect it.  She has chosen that life.  She wanted to share her love and her faith and be part of something bigger than herself.  It’s not always easy.  She has had to give up a lot though she doesn’t see it that way.  She offers up any “sufferings” to Jesus.  She and her husband have created this extraordinary band of people—a team—to live together and for God.  This is what she wants, and she has the strength of heart and mind and faith to do it.  I think they will have more children.  I have 2.  I know my limitations.

Udall tells a complicated and funny story of this seemingly ill-equipped man and his sprawling family as he experiences tragedy and joy, love and loss.  The author’s narrative is vibrant with detail and from all 3 perspectives feels incredibly real, rich with the honesty of what is means to be human in this world and to be a real part of a family—particularly this family.  But Udall makes the story about Every Man and Every Family and that’s where he truly succeeds.What Golden comes to know deeply by the end of the story is that there are no limitations on our capacity to love:

“Because this, after all, was the basic truth they all chose to live by: that love was no infinite commodity.  That is was not subject to the cruel reckoning of addition and subtraction,  that to give to one did not necessarily mean to take from another; that the heart, in its infinite capacity could open itself to all who would enter, like a house with windows and doors thrown wide, like the heart of God itself, vast and accommodating and holy, a mansion of rooms without number, full of multitudes without end.”   ….Brady Udall